A useful reconceptualization of 'boundaries'

When people talk about “setting boundaries”, they usually mean this: you tell another person how you expect them to behave in relation to you, and if they don’t comply, they’re “violating your boundaries”.

This might be a useful concept, but I think of boundaries in a different way.

You set boundaries in your own mind: between what is your responsiblity—what is yours to worry about—and what is someone else’s responsibility. You don’t take on other people’s problems.

When you get annoyed at someone else’s behavior, this might indicate that you have poorly set internal boundaries.

Examples:

Example 1: Let’s say a parent thinks that you live your life in a way that displeases them; that you’re unproductive and a failure.

With proper boundaries, you might think: “If I’m not living up to my values, that is my problem. Their feelings about me are their problem. I might understand their feelings, but I will not take them on and bash myself with them.”

If you get annoyed and become defensive, this might indicate that you feel you must take on the responsibility to manage their feelings about you, and of course you are annoyed by having this responsibility.

Example 2: Let’s say that your girlfriend or child does something stupid. You get angry at them. Why is that?

You might have a self-image of not only being a smart person, but also having a smart girlfriend/child. You’ve let the behaviors of others—which you can’t control!—determine your self-image. You think they made you look foolish.

With proper boundaries between the Self and the Other, you don’t let factors that you don’t control determine who you are.

Example 3: I witnessed an interaction between my teenage sister and my dad. It was summer and dad was picking my sister up. She gets into the car and dad goes: “Why are you wearing long pants? You’ll be hot!” My sister gets angry and defensive.

My advice to her at the moment was: don’t worry about him; just ignore the remark. If you’re hot, that’s your problem. Dad’s feelings are his problem. You are not responsible for them, just like he’s not responsible for you feeling hot.

My sister’s anger signaled a lack of proper boundaries between what is hers to worry about and what’s dad’s to worry about (understandable for a child!)

Anyway, I hope that these examples clarify what I mean by boundaries. I find this concept quite useful.