Braindump 2: being hard on yourself

Two people in the last two days suggested I might be too hard on myself. Let’s explore this.

So the question is, given your circumstances, are you doing reasonably well? Are you making good decisions and taking good actions, given what the universe is throwing at you?

I feel like people have two answers: “Yes, I’m doing well, considering the circumstances,” or “I’m not doing well, I’m such a failure. Shame on me.” If you did something wrong, you must apply the appropriate degree of self-loathing.

So in order to avoid being “hard on yourself” (engaging in self-loathing), you need to spin a story that explains how you’re in fact doing everything you can: if you’re in a bad spot, it’s not your fault.

But I think there’s a difference between shaming yourself and taking responsibility.

You can admit that you’re not doing as much as you could be doing, without shaming yourself for it. You can recognize you’re in a bad spot solely due to your own actions, but it doesn’t mean you’re a morally bad person deserving of self-loathing. It is what it is. You did bad, such is the state of affairs. You have a god-given right to make mistakes.

“I hope you’re not too hard on yourself about not having a social life; the pandemic has been bad for friendships.” But I can recognize the state of affairs without being hard on myself. I can see that other people in a similar situation don’t have similar problems. I can remember the actions I took that led to this. This is the literal truth. I can’t lie to myself.

This also allows me to see the actions I can take to get out of this situation. If everything that’s gone badly in my life is force of nature, then I’m stuck, waiting for the universe to fix itself. If I recognize the overwhelming role of agency, I can develop the agency to make my life whatever I want it to be.

And it still doesn’t justify any amount of self-loathing.

“You’re too hard on yourself. I never hear you say, ‘hell yeah, I’m killing it.'” But what is a person supposed to do if they’re objectively not killing it? If the only two options are self-loathing or self-bullshitting, there’s no way out.

The solution is to recognize that people who are not killing it are in no way morally inferior or worthy of shame. There is nothing in the universe that will take away your ability to receive love or respect (especially from yourself!) if you make stupid mistakes. You don’t need to be hard on yourself.

There, now you’re free to admit the scope of your own agency, and take responsibility for your wellbeing.

Remember: with great responsibility comes great power.